i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize