Farmville is her only friend.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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