I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
