I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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