my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
