now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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