you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
