Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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