I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You can't special order awesome
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
