So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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