I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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