I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
