I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
