im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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