i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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