Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
