my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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