its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
