Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
