My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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