I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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