I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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