just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
