I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
