There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
