I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
