I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
