You smell like stripper and shame
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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