I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
