is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
