haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
