I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
