see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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