lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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