I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
