I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
