One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just gift wrapped bread.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just forgot I was standing up.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
