maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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