Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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