the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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