Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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