he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
