I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
