They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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