fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
