She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
