My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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