I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
