I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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