Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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