Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
