I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
