I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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