i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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