u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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