Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
