The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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