Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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