my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
