If that was your dad, he is hot
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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