I will die if light touches me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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